DOING IT OURSELVES by James Raymond (1st Place, Prompt Sep22)

‘You’ll break it!’

‘I won’t!’

‘You will!’

‘I…’

‘Well, now you’ve done it.’

‘Er… no, it’s alright, see. It was meant to click like that. Now the leg’s fastened in place.’

‘Still don’t understand why you wouldn’t read the instructions.’

‘I’m a kinesthetic learner. I learn by doing. Now, can you hand me the other leg? If we’re going to get this finished before bed, we need to get a move on.’

‘Ok, hang on. Here it is. You need four E5 bolts and… have you still got the Allen key?’

‘I’ve just used it.’

‘Is that a “yes”?’

‘Of course it’s a “yes”! For the love of… Just give me the bolts.’

‘There’s no need to get like that. You can arrange your own bolts if you like.’

‘No, I’m… Sorry. I’m grateful for your help. Could you… Could you pass me the bolts, please? Thank you.’

‘I bet Bill and Sal don’t have any flatpack furniture. He’s head of department now, you know.’

‘Yes, I do know. Bill is my friend. And the salary is not that different, believe me.’

‘Still, he’s moving up in the world. I never thought I’d still be building furniture at the age of 35.’

‘It seems like I’m the one doing most of the building.’

‘You know what I mean.’

‘There are lots of people who aren’t where they thought they would be. And most of them have had more breaks than us. What about Sarah? Still in Corby with that… Er… Have you seen the Allen key?’

‘I thought you had it.’

‘It must be here somewhere…’

‘Are you sitting on it?’

‘No, I’m not that… oh, yeah, that’s it.’

‘I thought we’d have our own house by now in one of the villages along the ridge. Perhaps a baby.’

‘We can’t afford it.’

‘A nice car…’

‘We can’t afford it.’

‘I know. But it’s nice to imagine. We used to like making plans.’

‘Yeah, well, that’s life, isn’t it?’

‘Ha, thanks for that, Socrates. Do you have any thoughts on epistemology?’

‘The only thing I know… is that you do not know.’

‘Ha ha, I remember the first time you told me that one. I thought you were a wanker.’

‘I was a wanker. Now, hold this steady for me… very good, and… there. We’re finished. Shall we flip it over?’

‘Are you alright to?’

‘Yeah, it’ll be fine. Come on, help me up. Right, you take that end. On the count of three. One, two… Oof, there we are. Doesn’t look too bad, does it? Let’s test it… Not a wobble! Who needs instructions?’

‘You’re a smug bastard.’

‘Look, I know you wish we had more money. I know that. But with the time I had out, and you staying home to look after me… We can’t get that back. And I can’t work the way I used to.’

‘Why don’t I ask my Dad?

‘No. Absolutely not.

‘He’d be happy to help.’

‘I bet he would. Come on. Chairs next.’

‘Ok, here we are. Let me get the parts out this time. You have a sit down in the armchair.’

‘Thanks. I could use the rest.’

‘Let’s see… Here they are. Six pages. I think we can manage that. Plates A, B and C, tubes X, Y, Z, bolts. The first thing is to count the parts…’

‘Of course, Heraclitus would have argued that poverty contains wealth, because it generates the drive to earn and become rich. It’s all part of the continual flux of the cosmos.’

‘Heraclitus never had to fit out his entire living room from Ikea. Can you see any little screws? We’re supposed to have six of these.’

‘Er, no.’

‘One’s missing, then.’

‘What about in that pile there? There are loads of those.’

‘No, they’re bigger.’

‘Or one of these?’

‘They’re smaller. I’ve sorted them properly. We can’t build it without all the parts.’

‘Don’t be daft. It’ll be fine without a little thing like that. Where does it go?’

‘Here, under the seat.’

‘Yeah, that’s not important…’

‘We can’t have it collapsing under you!’

‘It’ll be fine.’

‘David!’

‘Well, what do you want to do? Take it back?’

‘It’s broken! Bloody broken!’

‘It’s not worth getting upset over.’

‘Don’t you care?’

‘It’ll be fine. You’re going to sit on it, not put it in an art gallery.’

‘I’m sick of being surrounded by crap, David! Broken bloody crap!’

‘What is it, love?’

‘I’m sorry… I don’t… I’m just tired, that’s all.’

‘I know. Me too. Shall we have a break for a minute? How about a ginger and lemon?’

‘I wish you’d never ridden on that bloody road…’

‘I know. Me too. Come on, we can have a biscuit as well.’

‘One and a half salaries isn’t enough around here.’

‘I know, Lil. I‘m aware.’

‘Well, what’s the answer, then?’

‘Look for the screw. I’ll put the kettle on.’

‘There he goes, the big philosopher. Hot air on toast. Always an answer. Always… oh. But that was… Bloody hell.’

‘Kettle is on. One chocolate digestive at the ready.’

‘Thanks love. I found it.’

‘The screw? Ah ha! We’re on fire!’

‘It was just in the wrong…’

‘Who cares? We’ve got all the bits. Let’s build the shiz out of this… ouch’

‘Careful! Is it your leg?’

‘I just felt it for a sec. It’ll be fine.’

‘That’s enough for today. Get back in the armchair. I’ll get the tea.’

‘Er, yeah… yeah, ok.’

‘Have a rest. We’ve done well.’

‘Yeah, we have.’

‘We’re doing well.’