SOMETHING TO TELL YOU by Charlotte Phillips (2nd place, Prompt Sep22)

“Mabel Baxter speaking.”

“You’re not supposed to answer the phone like that, Mabel. They could steal your identity, or clone your -”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Ian. Nice to hear from you, dear. How’s it all going out there? You haven’t got an accent yet, I’m happy to say.”

“Ha, no. Um, yeah, fine, and you? Uncle Ian? I know I haven’t called in a while, but -”

“Not to worry, dear, we know you’re busy. We’re fine; can’t complain. Well, Ian’s got a bit of a cold again, so we’ve got the heating on for once. Bit of a treat these days. We’re watching a rather funny episode of – what was it? No, Ian, you can get it by – yes, just push the guide – on the planner. No, the planner? The remote’s on the blink again, and he won’t go out and buy batteries, will he? Really. Men.”

“I told you. I looked, and they weren’t there. They’re always moving them, then you –”

“Nonsense. They have them right by the counter, I saw them last time I popped in to see Shelly, but then I thought, what do I know about batteries, blasted things? I never buy them, Ian does. I told him – Batteries.”

“They moved them, it’s not my fault if they –”

“Well, where was I? Oh yes, the remote’s not working, and I wanted to tell you all about the program we were on. Oh, you would have laughed. It had that one from that funny detective show in it, you know, the dumpy one -”

“Katherine something.”

“No, it’s not Katherine, Ian. You never remember anyone’s name.”

“I’m not sure I’ve seen her. Listen, I – could you maybe put me on speaker phone?”

“Anyway, there was this American in it, so we thought of you out there, and a man, he was a bit feminine, shall we say, and he was prancing around and coming out with the silliest things – but it’s quite all right – you know he’s married to that other one, the girl who’s always on the dancing shows. Pretty girl, but talk about two left feet. So, how are you, dear?”

“Right, er, ok. Am I on speakerphone, now? Well, I mean, the headaches got worse. I saw a doctor over here, but he doesn’t think it’s migraines, he -”

“What did he -”

“Great. Well, that’s a relief. Shelly gets migraines – rotten things. You know, they put her in the stockroom last month because the till sounds gave her funny turns. Or maybe you haven’t spoken to our Shelly in a while. We know you’ve got lots to do over there, but it’s a pity not to keep in touch. But only if you’re not too busy, of course. You youngsters are all under so much pressure. Oh, that reminded me. Did you know I went in for my blood pressure again? Well it was a hundred and forty over – what was it Ian? Was it a hundred? Maybe it was a bit under a hundred because I thought, isn’t that good? We wrote it down somewhere, but I’ve got my wrong glasses on, and I’ve already had a drink. So that’s good news isn’t it? Not bad, getting into the sixties!”

“Yeah? That’s great, but I needed to tell -”

“Well, I thought you’d want to know about that, yes? Or not? I know you’re all hectic these days, but at least you don’t have to worry about that type of thing, dear. Rather good news, anyway, but we are careful. Only a bit of roast chicken on a Sunday, and we always take the skin off. I never let Ian lose with the skin or he’d be in the doctor’s office the next week with his blood pressure.”

“I like the skin.”

“That’s enough, Ian. And we have boiled vegetables you know, all very good for us. You know, I was over at your mum’s the other day round breakfast time. Guess what your mum has for breakfast these days. Really, you’ll never guess.”

“I can’t think. Maybe – does she -”

“Fry up.”

“A full fry up every day! Yes, a full fry up with fried eggs and even fried bread! We couldn’t believe it, really we couldn’t. Could you Ian? No, he couldn’t either, and he likes the odd bacon sandwich even now, even though we cut the rinds off and that’s only for high-days and holidays. Isn’t that dreadful? No wonder she’s rather large -”

“She’s enormous!”

“Rather large, shall we say – and she’s older than us.”

“I think she’s on a diet now. Um, listen, Auntie. Mum told me I should call you to -”

“Well, whatever diet she’s on, it’s not working. You’ll have to have a proper word when you’re back. I dread to think what’s happening with her blood pressure. Anyway, I’ll be going down on those little pills they gave me, so I’ll just keep up the good work and we’re home free. We’re having a glass of fizz to celebrate, not the real stuff, but that fancy one from Italy.”

“Prosetto.”

“That’s it. They say it’s like champagne. It’s not really, but it costs less and it’s pink. Bet you can’t get that out in the States. Very nice; we might try to save some for you, if you’re good. Only joking, we’ll put some aside.”

“Only if you come back for Christmas!”

“Ha, Ian says ‘only if you come back for Christmas.’”

“Right. I’ll try. But there’s something you really need to know, the doctor said -”

“That’s good news about the doctor, no? Anyway, you do worry, when you get to our age; all sorts of things can go wrong. I mean you don’t think about it, but they can. Glad all’s well at your end, dear. Must dash. QI’s on.”