MY HANDS by Dominik Slusarczyk (1st place, Jan24)

[EDITOR’S NOTE: this story deals with themes that some people may find upsetting]

I

 We came last. The other teams laughed at us. Most of them did it behind our backs but a few of them were brave enough to laugh in our faces. You have to be brave to laugh at Jimmy: he might not be very good at football but he is awfully big.

  They handed out shiny trophies. The trophy for first place had many different levels. It was red and shiny. I was filled with jealousy as I watched the team that won jump around and celebrate.

 I want to do that. I want to win. I want to be the best.

 They give everyone medals even us. Our medals don’t say we came last; they just say we participated. We did participate as well, we just didn’t participate as much as some of the other kids did.

Dad took us to McDonalds on the way home. I got a Big Mac. A cheeseburger isn’t enough to fill me up anymore. I am a big boy now.

 II

She gives me the usual break-up rubbish. Apparently it isn’t me it’s her. You have no idea how many times I’ve heard that crap.

It’s me. It’s always me. I can’t seem to keep a girlfriend for longer than a couple of months. They leave as soon as they’ve got to know me, as soon as they’ve started to understand me.

I have to try to be more interesting, or more funny, or something.

If I can work out why the girls are leaving maybe I can stop the next one leaving.

Gemma’s dad comes to pick her up. He looks pleased about something. He honks his horn at me and gives me a cheerful wave. When Gemma gets into the passenger seat he leans over and gives her a kiss on the cheek.

She used to let me do that. We were trains, then we were planes, now we are nothing but burning wreckage.

I think I’m going to ask out Lisa from maths class next. She’ll say yes. They always say yes because they don’t know me very well yet.

III

Lisa says the baby is beautiful. I agree with her even though I think the baby has such a red face he looks a little silly.

We watch him grow. First he learns to walk then he learns to speak. Soon he is answering back.  

We let him watch TV but only when the curtains are closed.

He goes to school, sits exams, gets mediocre grades just like I did. He says when he grows up he wants to be a builder like me. Lisa tells him he has to be a doctor or a lawyer. I let him play with my hammer when she isn’t watching.

Lisa and I both age. By the time he leaves to go to university we both have grey hair and wrinkles. I still find Lisa attractive but I have always been very easy to please.

It is not until the child is 20 that I find out that he probably isn’t mine. Lisa has been cheating on me for the whole of our marriage. It’s how she got her promotions. It’s how we managed to buy such a big house.

It’s how we managed to send the child to such a good school.

We were trains, then we were planes, and all we felt as we flew through the air was a dreadful longing for the ground. We hated it while we were there but now all we do is miss it.

We watched the people, smaller than ants, move around on the ground. We wondered if they would climb inside of us if we let them.

We decide not to get divorced. Lisa assures me her affair is over. I just can’t be bothered to find another wife. It was hard enough to get the first one. I don’t want to have to date again. I can’t be bothered to buy nice presents and go to fancy restaurants.

I don’t want to have to try.

I tried once and it got me nothing except the wind on my cheeks.

IV

The child graduates. He is a doctor now. They let him treat patients in hospitals.

He tells us that sometimes his patients die.

He makes more money than I ever made but nowhere near as much money as Lisa is making now. He comes and visits us once a month even though it is a long drive.

The last time I see him is just like any of his other visits. He kisses his mum on the cheek and shakes my hand firmly. He assures me that he is fine but I stare into his eyes and I can see a well of sadness. I open my mouth to ask what is wrong but immediately close my mouth again because I remember that I have already asked him how he is.

He chose the gun. There are many options, many ways to escape, and all of those options have pros and cons. The gun is quick but I would worry that it would go wrong. I have always dreamt of bridges so high in the sky that the people look like ants when you look down. When I sleep at night I dream I am stood on the edge. If I step forwards I will fly. If I step backwards I will fall. I always wake up before I have made my choice.

He chose the gun. He was a braver man than I have ever been.